I got that AFTERGLOW!

I got that AFTERGLOW!
Posted April 18, 2008 Comments(6) Edit
Just got home from the gym! I am glistening with sweat, my face is flush…and I feel good, doodeedoodeedoodeedoo, like I know I should…so good, so good, since I found you: )(gotta love James Brown)Really, it was productive. I wogged (walked and jogged) on the treadmill and then did the machines for my arms, chest shoulders. My legs are still sore from the last trip…so I thought I’d give them a rest. Doing an interval training I got off of http://www.podrunner.com/.
I am still a little uncomfortable…feeling extremely self conscience. Saw a young guy looking at me, and then he looked at his friend…and I just got that feeling that I was being made fun of. Y’know what I mean? Oh well. I gave him my best “mother” look as I walked past him, and just decided to let it fuel my love for myself. Not the hate that tries to keep me a very hungry caterpillar.
This book follows the ravenous caterpillar’s path as he eats his way through one apple (and the pages of the book itself) on Monday, two pears on Tuesday, three plums on Wednesday, and so on, through cherry pie and sausage - -until he is really fat and has a stomachache
Remember him? He was a binger: ) And he got a tummy ache. Sunday morning, I guess he repented because, then he ate the one leaf…then he felt better.
I want to learn to LOVE myself, like God does, so I don’t choose to hurt myself with binging…especially when others are hurting me. I want to learn to protect myself by crawling into God’s Crysalis of Love, the quiet, secret place where He will transform me, as only He can and it is in that place…He will give me wings!
I want to be a BUTTERFLY that is free to fly…and glorifies His Name!

Do I really look like that?

Posted April 18, 2008 Comments(12) Edit
Reality bites.

Tonight, I uploaded some photos taken recently of me, and I am in shock.

A sad sickening, consuming self-defeating kind of shock.

Wondering, HOW will I lose all this weight?

I have tried and wanted it so long, it has become a mountain in my life. A mountain of fat. Yuck.
Shocked at the shape I am in. Just sick by it.

Not sure if it is just the fat, or the realization that I am getting old. 44, and soon to be 45. Realizing, I will never be young again. Wondering…how do you make the most of it?…what’s left of my fading beauty. Wondering if I will ever get to that place where I say, “I am ok, just like I am.” or “I look great!” and REALLY mean it.

Do I just decide to live in denial, or just go for it?…with all my heart. Just decide, “I am worth it”, “I matter” and therefore…I am GOING to do it this time?

I have been walking/jogging for a very short time…and yesterday, I joined a gym, worked out like a mad woman, and today, I can hardly walk: )

Monday, I will go for a fitness accessment to become part of a weightloss study through UNC. I am not sure what support I will get once I officially start the program, but I am hoping it is just what “the Dr.” ordered.

After I saw the photos, I tried to cry on my husband’s shoulder about it…but, he doesn’t understand the pain, the suffering and the paralysing effect of being over 100 lbs overweight. Socially, physically, emotionally, vocationally…etc. It is crippling…no doubt.

I am ready to hang upside down and build my crysalis around me. It is there that I will be transformed…in the safety of my Father’s love and miraculous power. The butterfly will fly!

OMG…I just looked up, at the TV that is on in the background…and there is the most beautiful butterfly on it right now…oh my…there are so many. Monarchs. It is a Maranantha song on DayStar, Worship.net, and it is called….”In His Time” The words are:
In His time, in His time,

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Lord, my life to You I bring,

May each song I have to sing,

Be to You a lovely thing,

in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,

You make all things beautiful in Your time.

Lord, my life to You I bring,

May each song I have to sing,

Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

Yes Lord,

in Your time,

make me beautiful.