Tonight, I uploaded some photos taken recently of me, and I am in shock.
A sad sickening, consuming self-defeating kind of shock.
Wondering, HOW will I lose all this weight?
I have tried and wanted it so long, it has become a mountain in my life. A mountain of fat. Yuck.
Shocked at the shape I am in. Just sick by it.
Shocked at the shape I am in. Just sick by it.
Not sure if it is just the fat, or the realization that I am getting old. 44, and soon to be 45. Realizing, I will never be young again. Wondering…how do you make the most of it?…what’s left of my fading beauty. Wondering if I will ever get to that place where I say, “I am ok, just like I am.” or “I look great!” and REALLY mean it.
Do I just decide to live in denial, or just go for it?…with all my heart. Just decide, “I am worth it”, “I matter” and therefore…I am GOING to do it this time?
I have been walking/jogging for a very short time…and yesterday, I joined a gym, worked out like a mad woman, and today, I can hardly walk: )
Monday, I will go for a fitness accessment to become part of a weightloss study through UNC. I am not sure what support I will get once I officially start the program, but I am hoping it is just what “the Dr.” ordered.
After I saw the photos, I tried to cry on my husband’s shoulder about it…but, he doesn’t understand the pain, the suffering and the paralysing effect of being over 100 lbs overweight. Socially, physically, emotionally, vocationally…etc. It is crippling…no doubt.
I am ready to hang upside down and build my crysalis around me. It is there that I will be transformed…in the safety of my Father’s love and miraculous power. The butterfly will fly!
OMG…I just looked up, at the TV that is on in the background…and there is the most beautiful butterfly on it right now…oh my…there are so many. Monarchs. It is a Maranantha song on DayStar, Worship.net, and it is called….”In His Time” The words are:
In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing,
in Your time.
In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.
Yes Lord,
in Your time,
make me beautiful.
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